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11:03 p.m. - 2018-12-15
Can’t decide how I feel or what I want.

Mostly wish I could go back to November 3rd and not meet up with Montana. Having anything to look forward to possibly dreading is worse than nothing. Can I press a reset button? Where is it? Is it just erasing everything and all connection to him? And of course, I’d rather see if we are falling in love. That makes me laugh, though. Because, what does that even mean.

I want to see him, touch him, be around him at night and eat meals with him, listen to him practice and perform his music, laugh with him, have quiet days and nights, travel with him, listen to music with him, hold his hand, lie in his arms, drive in a car with him. What does any of that mean, if he’s indifferent? What if he’s not indifferent but just truly busy? What if he sees the last girl he dated and forgets how I love him? I’m so nervous, because he deserves that if that’s what he desires. But why do I deserve Nothing?

Trying to decide if he’s a narcissist for assuming my free spiritedness, per usual for a narcissist. Or if he’s just selfish and self-absorbed and obsessed with his own agenda.

Time will tell, per usual.

I send him nudes anyway, and eat up his attention when he has time to give it to me.


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