5:32 p.m. - 2011-07-31
I have had approximately a week and a half to contemplate everything. The lies. The deceit. The genuineness of your love and your fear. The "personality test" you completed on the dating site...makes my blood boil, my temples pound, and my vision turn blotchy and white.
My mind wandered quietly around the man that you assume will steal my heart. And because of your bold accusations, they are coming true. This situation is biting you in the ass. And if I let it, it will bite me, too.
This other man is the man you tried to keep me from. You conveniently forgot to tell me about a show you were playing that I knew about. You said you felt like you had to babysit me. I said, fine, I'll bring a friend.
Sure enough, the man is in the band you perform with. Not my type at first (even 2nd or 3rd) glance, but he's good-looking enough at first (2nd and 3rd) sight.
You introduce me as your girlfriend. Usually I'm your "friend" or you just say my name. This immediately gets my attention.
Sure enough, he and I are in the same line of work. But that's it...that's. it.
At another show, you inform me that this man is a "lady's man" and is "always high"...incidentally, he really didn't speak to many if any women that night, and he actually said something to me about NOT having anything to smoke.
Since I've seen him a handful of times, our wordless high fives turned into a gentle greeting hug into more intimate hugs upon arriving and leaving.
Simple hellos and goodbyes became polite questions to keep me from stepping away so soon.
Finally, a video of the song "I Can Help" posted on FB, after he found out my dog became paralyzed and the boyfriend has been out of town on tour for a while.
This will bite me in the ass. I don't think I care.
I have 3 hours and 15 minutes to long for your return. To remember only the good, thoughtful things you have done and said to me, to not let the demons darken the thin lines of light that barely peek through the blinds of our relationship.
I have that much time to stop feeling dread and hope that maybe you'll appreciate me when you get back. That I'll forgive you for not loving me the way I deserve. For putting me on the side burner. For making me a 3rd wheel. For lying. For leaving me alone and feeling lonely. For criticizing me and making all of this all my fault.
Most of all, I have 3 hours and 10 minutes to remember I have a boyfriend that, besides having emotional issues, is actually usually very awesome. And the man you fear to steal my heart is indeed sweet, but not quite what I'm looking for in a man and is not quite convincing in his desire for me. And I need to go with the flow. And, once again, I find myself following the path of least resistance. Which always seems to lead far away from the path of one's initial intention.
And I MUST forget this song could have anything to do with me:
If you've got a problem, I don't care what it is If you need a hand, I can assure you this I can help, I've got two strong arms, I can help It would sure do me good to do you good, Let me help It's a fact that people get lonely, ain't nothing new But a woman like you baby, should never have the blues Let me help, I've got two for me, let me help It would sure do me good to do you good Let me help When I go to sleep at night, you're always a part of my dream Holding me tight and telling me everything I want to hear Don't forget me baby, all you gotta do is call You know how I feel about you, if I can do anything at all Let me help If your child needs a daddy, I can help It would sure do me good to do you good, Let me help