2:12 p.m. - 2010-05-03
ball of truth: in my court
so when i put some honest thought into settling down and getting married and feeling good about it...i feel like an absolute idiot.

i am back to being girlfriend to a boy who is making an honest effort to guide his heart and mind. he asked, "i fucked up, didn't i?" to which i nodded.

honestly, there is a hot man who is giving me the eyes at my 2nd job when i work on the weekends; and to be frank, THAT coupled with having time to THINK about being alone has me trying to figure out why i'm with someone who decided not to work things out with me, woke up a few hours later and thought, "what the hell did i do?!" and still waited a week to see if that gut feeling of regret was true.

honestly?

is it loneliness or denial of being an immature asshole?

and let's be real, here: what the fuck does love have to do with this anymore? yes, tell me, sir, is this true love?

or is it more about not wanting to lose? and the grass being greener over there. and about winning. not winning anything in particular. just not giving up. well, as easily as you think you want to.

and may i add: he is surely still not in love with me...

God, what am i doing?

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