7:59 p.m. - 2009-06-12
too many deaths of things at once
i'm sad.

that penetrating sad. that unforgivable sad. the sad you never want to write about
but you know that, some day, you inevitably will.

it's the rain. the giant oak tree that died by the wind today and landed right by my apartment. it's the power that won't be restored for two days. the feeling of abandonment, isolation, relief of having somewhere to go, but it not being where you WANT to be. selfish. a selfish sadness.

it's the effort you make
that brings you to the sad. and you wonder how any effort can bring you to this sad. you must not be understanding something. there must be something you're missing.

games.

games with God. games with men. games with myself.

the tickle in my throat is telling me
that all the fun things i've done lately that felt so right have only led me to this day, everything wrong. unable to regret what is "meant" to happen, i just don't forgive myself. or him. or God.

it feels sad to not forgive. to have patience and dreams that only lead up to this day, a day like this.
where the morning had hope. and by the afternoon, i had wings, and, i would swear to you, i was flying.

and every day has something hidden, to make you smile. but they were all found early, all at once.

and now i am sad. the kind that i can't describe except to say

i'm tired. please leave me alone.

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