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7:13 p.m. - 2009-04-18
weird entry
my dad is awesome.

he bought tickets to see Eddie Vedder at the Orpheum. Today is the first day they officially went on sale, and they're already sold out for Memphis.

Me and my dad and Eddie. wow.

This is so dreamlike.

and it reminds me of the time i was talking about how awesome my dad is to my friend who just died (well, talking to him years ago when i loved him so), so maybe he'd understand what i come from, who raised me, who i am (so he would love me the way i loved him),

and his response was, "man, i wanna have sex with your dad!"

i think he was asexual. well, he told me he himself thought he was asexual. he asked me one time if i was sure i wasn't a lesbian. he knew how to hit me hard. it's weird i didn't realize how messed up his mind was. people told me he was crazy, i just never believed it. i seriously thought i was unattractive, because of how he acted. the more i think about it, the more i realize how weird our relationship was back then. i made it so complicated. if only i knew then what i know now. i would've gone about it a COMPLETELY different way. maybe i would have never begun my quest for him. were we really friends in the end? i think so. in that unconditional way. such a long story.

but yep. that would be the guy who killed himself. we remained friends through each other's forgiveness. and our understanding, of what crazy is. and because, when i love, it's real. and real love doesn't just vanish with pain and hurt and rejection. it really doesn't. but i digress. (wow, i hate it when people say that. really, hate it. but i'm not myself lately, so it's okay, i think).

i'm not emotionally a lesbian at all. physically, if a hot girl from russia or somewhere came along that was attracted to me and it was mutual (and she was shipping back, i mean, as in "fling")...well, yeah. and i'd have to be feeling super sexy.


i wish i swayed my hips more though. and didn't walk so much like i have somewhere to be. kinda like how guys walk.

anyway, i digress. again.

it's raining. people are weird. i don't know.

yada yada.

my friend died and it's weird.

i may go to Tracks and drink with a bunch of co-workers tonight. the girl we're celebrating for, her birthday, said she was feeling lazy and it may not happen (on the phone to someone else). but then she said, unless I am going (as in, me), well, then it's on.

really, lesbians like me. it's not my thing. i love gay guys. it's always a short hang out phase (very non sexual), but i love every second of it. something about people who are experimental, maybe. people with open minds. and their amazing sense of humor and beauty. i think that's what it's all about. pretty much. alrighty, that's enough weird babble for today.


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